On Sorbet

So the strawberry sorbet arrives, and the waiter sets down this platter filled with a glistening, pustulently pink blob, that looks suspiciously like a bull's...eye.

It was swimming around in this puddle of pinkish goo, apparently doing the backstroke with one of the strawberry leaves.

As it was swallowed, I couldn't help imagining the poor bull going around without its...eye.

On Movies

My brilliant mother, upon returning from Shanghai, informs me that she has brought back several DVDs, of the latest movies and all "very cheap".

Oh goody, think I, finally some DVDs so I can learn how to use all the interesting functions. But, with me being who I am, and my mother being who she is, and China being what it is, I am understandably dubious about the discs.

So I'm flipping through the plastic covers, sighing at all the bad movies and disappointed that again there is no Hannibal, and what do I see? The Lord of the Rings.

Yes! think I, this'll be so much fun. Then, I flip to the catch sight of the last disc and what is it? The Lord of the Rings 2.

"Oh shit." I say loudly.

On Past Perfect

That describes my past perfectly.

On Power

Power is wonderful. Absolute power is absolutely wonderful.

On Equine Ovines

The other day, I was reading this book on farm animals. All of a sudden, the pack horse started moving, then leaped from the pages, and, in so doing, transformed itself into a unicorn.

I was amazed. I had never seen a unicorn before, let alone one up close. It had the most alabaster skin, without blemish or splotch. It's hooves were an incredible shade of metallic blue, so clear you could see your reflection in them two feet away. It had a purply mane, with a lavender tail to match. And its horn! Such a horn! It sparkled and glimmered, shone and glittered, scintillating without facets, yet giving the impression it was the most priceless gem in the world.

As the unicorn snorted gently, I was struck by the idea that perhaps the book was imbued with some ancient magic, that each animal within its pages had the ability to come to life as the apotheosis of its species. So I hurriedly flipped through the pages for another animal.

At that moment, the unicorn nudged me, causing the book to fall from my grasp, and it fell open to the page about pigs, and something fell out of the sky.

The unicorn was never seen again, and Shakespeare never recovered.

On Writing

Gerard Neubermann Dreyfiss dipped his quill in red ink, and handed it to his solicitor, William Petracharsus Heserton. William looked at the parchment he was about to sign, again marvelling at his fate. Only yesterday he started his modest firm, and today, one of the richest men in town had requested his legal services.

William was to act as witness to Gerard's will. All he had to do was sign on the dotted line. It occurred to him to read the will, for he had not done so yet.

"mmhmm...mm...hmm?" mumbled William. He had read a line which stated: In the event of my death, I, Gerard Neubermann Dreyfiss, the undersigned, leave my monies and property to my solicitor, whose identity shall be made publicly known.

"Something wrong, William?" asked Gerard serenely.

"Well...em..." William cleared his throat. "Shouldn't I be identified as your solicitor, Mr. Dreyfiss, sir?"

Gerard smiled sedately. "Well Will, let's just say I never know who a new day brings."

At that moment, William realised the inkstand wasn't filled with red ink.

The next day, the local dailies all carried the story:

Local Millionaire Leaves Fortune to Lawyer, Lawyer Charged For Benfactor's Murder, Claims Self-Defense

On Goats

I thought since everyone was being all philosophical and waxing about life in a stately, generally-depressed largo, I thought I'd bow to the inevitable.

So, there I was, sipping my late-afternoon tea, when she has the arrant temerity to burst into my sanctuary, breathlessly informing me there was a goat waiting to see me. I was, of course, in the midst of savouring the exquisite nose of my earl grey, quite engrossed in letting it suffuse my respiratory tract, yet increasingly aware of an incessant noise; telling me there was a goat without, awaiting my displeasure.

As it turned out, I discovered to my displeasure, that the goat was without a behind.

I was, as is to be expected, aghast.

"Why have you not a posterior?" asked I.

"Well," said it, with a braying and a bleating, "that is because I am no ordinary goat."

"I can see that," retorted I, eyeing, with considerable distrust, it's lack of an arse.

"I," it continued, "am a cybergoat, hence I have no requirement of a backside. In cyberspace, no one knows you can't sit down."

This seemed to make sense to me, so I let it pass. I saw the goat was about to start munching on my frightfully expensive cowgrass, so I quickly distracted it with another qestion.

"A goat," said I, "was oft used as a symbol of fertility. In fact, the witches' god, Baphomet, is a goat. At witches' sabbaths, Baphomet would preside in the form of a goat, to which the witches would...(here I groped for niceties)...worship, in a rather physical way."

"As I recall," continued I (simply because I could show off my prodigious knowledge), "the Knights Templar was discredited and scandalised by rumours of amorous activities with an idol of Baphomet."

Whereupon the cybergoat bleated with hilarity.

"Why," asked it, with an evil smile, "do you think I lack a behind?"

On Nothing

One day Bonk the clown decided to quit the circus.

On Advocacy

Hah! I am all in favour of Singaporean government, no matter what everyone says. Woohoo to Singaporean efficiency. Woohoo.